The coming apopalypse

As the adjacent lists indicate, 2004 had many great things to offer pop music fans in terms of aural enjoyment.
Great albums aside, though, last year will probably be best remembered as a golden age for relishing the agony of the celebrities who (through their own malice or stupidity) caused us to suffer.
Any year that included Tittiegate, William Hung, and Ashlee Simpson doing the oopsie jig can hardly go down in history any other way.
Keeping in mind the fact that 2005 will have to be preposterously ridiculous to even begin to live up to last year's high points and atrocities, Yours Truly humbly offers this list of predictions for the coming apopalypse:
In its own inimitable fashion, American Idol will continue to justify the holy war being waged on Western civilization.
Nick Lachey will petition the state of California to officially change his name to "Jessica Simpson's Bitchtoy."
VH1's "I Love the Aughties" will cause a rift in the space-time continuum, ending the universe.
My Bloody Valentine mastermind Kevin Shields will emerge from decades of hermitage with the follow-up to "Loveless," prompting Spin to proclaim "nü-gaze" The Next Big Thing.
With the release of their third perfect record, Daft Punk will realize the final elements of their typically Gallic plot to enslave the collective booty of the human race and lead the planet into a new era of four-on-the-floor robotic bliss.
Timbaland and Missy Elliot will reveal that they, too, are benevolent robots.
Courtney Love will relapse.
President George W. Bush will advocate a Constitutional amendment banning Scissor Sisters after their immaculate single "Mary" fools legions of red-state Top 40 listeners into liking a fag band.
DJ Tsunami will change his name.
Jay-Z will release three albums containing approximately nine good songs while loudly proclaiming his retirement.
America will continue to sleep on Dizzee Rascal and The Streets.
Britney Spears will pump out a brat, divorce her bitchtoy, and announce her retirement from public life. America's sigh of relief, which will be audible from the outer rings of the solar system, will be cut fatally short when said retirement proves to last about three milliseconds.
In its latest identity crisis, Pitchforkmedia.com will announce that Hilary Duff is "the new Radiohead."
Radiohead will fail to make any new music and still be the best band in the world.
Outkast will cement their position as the preeminent pop musicians of our time by releasing their sixth and seventh rock-solid records. Earth will be invaded by whatever planet Andre 3000 is from.
Usher will keep it on the down low.
Eminem will continue to lose himself.
The Flaming Lips will admit that their long-awaited feature film "Christmas on Mars" was just a crafty way to con acid money out of Warner Bros.
Lauryn Hill will squander her talent.
At least one, and possibly all five of the former Backstreet Boys will be found dead in a pool of his own vomit.
Bono will reveal that he has the ability to make lame beggars walk and blind men see.
Citing the grave threat it poses to the moral values of the nation's youth, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez will declare War on Crunk. "Only Bitches Declare War" by Lil' Jon featuring The Ying Yang Twins will top the Billboard Hot 100 for 27 consecutive weeks, but the fun will come to an abrupt end when the FBI poisons the nation's supply of Crunk Juice.
R. Kelly will pee on a bunch of underage girls, get away with it, and change his name to Zorro.
P. Diddy will be elected as the governor of New York and immediately move the capital to Sag Harbor. He will then proceed to start mad beef with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Jack White will make out with Loretta Lynn. In public.
Janet Jackson will start hanging out on street corners asking people if they want to see her boobies.
The ghost of Ian Curtis will continue to smack the shit out of Interpol's Paul Banks in his nightmares. In a related incident, the CDC will impose a quarantine on the East Village because of an outbreak of herpes that will be traced back to Carlos D.
And if more than three of these predictions turn out to be correct, Yours Truly will demand to be called Nostrafuckindamus before he commits hari-kari.